It's funny what age can do to you.  Unintentionally, you become more cautious and reserved, resistant to branching out.  How does that happen?  I can remember being willing to make a complete ass of myself in the pursuit of a laugh, now I find myself apologizing for laughing too loud.  In some ways I'm thankful for my ability to predict possible outcomes and my avoidance of unsavory results.  But, there are times where I wonder, have I lost something?  Perhaps it's a sense of tenacity or a boldness that disregarded others opinions.  Maybe I just need to find a channel for my former self.  I have started to do theatre again, which has revived some of my youthful daringness.  But, I feel as if I'm still hesitant to make bold choices, such as auditioning for the professional theatre.  I pray that my verve begins to come back even if its slow.  One day, one day I hope to do at least one professional gig then I can say yeah thats right I'm bonafied.

In writing this I almost deleted it, in the fear that others would read and therefore feel sorry for me.  But I am going to publish it, I don't want sympathy I want to use it as a coming out.  First attempt to regain hutzpah, in the form of honesty.